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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26206810">still shines like gold</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxbricxtedrexlity/pseuds/fxbricxtedrexlity'>fxbricxtedrexlity</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mamamoo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Various Mental Illnesses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:08:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,951</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26206810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxbricxtedrexlity/pseuds/fxbricxtedrexlity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>hyej centric. hyejin struggles a lot on her own, she hides her pain and hurt well. the members all have different ways of trying to help her and comfort her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Jung Wheein</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>still shines like gold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>a tad bit of warning before you proceed :)<br/>this fic contains depression, suicide attempts, unhealthy habits, cutting, and mature themes<br/>if some of the warnings put you off, please press the back button now :)<br/>relationship between mamamoo’s wheein and hwasa<br/>i respect each and every one of the characters and real people i used in this fic</p><p>I guess that’s all, please enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>still shines like gold</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>for the ever awesome <strong>varoro2</strong></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>show me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>the most damaged</em>
</p><p>
  <em>parts of your soul,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>and i will show you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>how it still</em>
</p><p>
  <em>shines like gold</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>; nikita gil</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>hyej centric. hyejin struggles a lot on her own, she hides her pain and hurt well. the members all have different ways of trying to help her and comfort her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t know why she keeps doing this.</p><p> </p><p>Her apartment’s always been quiet; no cat purring up a storm like Ggomo, no constant chime of KakaoTalk messages from Byulyi’s phone, and no loud laughter that splits the atmosphere every time Yongsun watches something on her phone.</p><p> </p><p>The hum of the AC turned into white noise at this point and the soft breathing next to her is familiar enough given that she’s been lulled to sleep by that same rhythm for how many years now. She reaches down to her thighs, the weight on top has changed, lighter now that their comeback’s near—<em>she lost a few pounds again.</em> She skims her fingertips against soft skin, turning her face to the side, watches for any minute changes on Wheein’s face.</p><p> </p><p>Her leg spasms under Hyejin’s ticklish touch, nose wrinkling, and arms tightening around the pillow twice her size but Wheein doesn’t wake up.</p><p> </p><p>Good.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin’s already got her earbuds in. Her nails make soft noises against her phone as she pulls up the app, typing in the latest schedule they did. It’s not that hard to find the official one.</p><p> </p><p>They’re useless, the earbuds. She never turns the volume up. She’s not here to watch the performance, anyway. But they help in blocking out Wheein’s even breathing, helps in imagining she’s alone, helps in curbing the guilt that bubbles in her chest the last time Wheein caught her doing this to herself.</p><p> </p><p>She starts reading.</p><p> </p><p>The words sting, of course they do. Hyejin wonders, not for the first time, if she’ll ever get used to it; why she’s doing this.</p><p> </p><p>It’s always been silent in Hyejin’s apartment.</p><p> </p><p>She cries, no sounds escaping her, the words in front of her blurring, and she’s done this so many times that her shoulders don’t even shake; careful not to wake the woman beside her.</p><p> </p><p>It’s nothing new. This is how it’s always been.</p><p> </p><p>The sky is pitch black, the moon hidden behind the clouds, when she turns her phone off, turning to her side to fall asleep, Wheein naturally gravitates to her, abandoning the pillow in favor of clutching her instead.</p><p> </p><p>She likes to think it’s Wheein’s way of knowing something’s wrong, comforting her even in her sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, it’s another quiet night.</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Someone’s screaming.</p><p> </p><p>She blinks, noticed that she spaced out, and looks to the far side of the table to see Byulyi with her nose crinkled in the way she does after doing something cheeky. The loud squeals are coming from the oldest in their group, slapping repeatedly on Byulyi’s arms; nothing new.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein’s already looking at her, gives her this private little smile, and squeezes her knee under the table; nothing new.</p><p> </p><p><em>Oh, right, we’re live</em>.</p><p> </p><p>She focuses, eyes two of their managers behind the setup, before reaching down to lace her pinky with her girlfriend’s. They let the other two have their moment as Hyejin drops another chicken leg on Wheein’s plate, and Wheein jumps from her seat, cursing softly under her breath as she runs over to the managers for a can of soda they can share together.</p><p> </p><p>It’s so simple yet Hyejin can’t take her eyes off of Wheein as she stands beyond the view of their fans, making silly finger hearts at her direction. She sticks her tongue out.</p><p> </p><p>There’s sudden movement to her right and she looks just in time as Byulyi snatches the phone from Yongsun’s hands, pushing the older woman to the back of her seat, ignoring the indignant sputters, and hands the phone with the livestream to Hyejin.</p><p> </p><p>“Read the comments for us.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s so easy to refuse, to whine at her unnies, and act cute to be let off the hook.</p><p> </p><p>But Wheein comes back, passing the phone to Hyejin before she can open her mouth. And for something so warm from use, the weight of the phone with its fast-paced comments flying on the screen seeps a cold feeling of dread all the way to the tips of her toes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Slut.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Wheein smacks her lips loudly, squirming in her seat as the soda goes down her throat.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Ugly.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi munches on her food, placated at the newly opened box of pizza, picking out the vegetables.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun—</p><p> </p><p>The phone is hot against her palm, the stare of their leader even more so as her eyes flies between Hyejin’s eyes, reads the distress on her face.</p><p> </p><p>But the understanding doesn’t quite dawn.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun laughs lightly, rubbing at her cheeks as she asks: “Is there something on my face?”</p><p> </p><p>Nothing new.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>She’s staring at her ceiling. Not an ideal way to spend the night before their day-off but, it is what it is. At least she isn’t letting her head hang at the edge of the couch this time, winces at the memory of her mother’s scolding when she got caught doing it.</p><p> </p><p>Her phone is digging uncomfortably at her hip but she’s far too comfortable sinking into the couch cushions to move. Wheein calls it her thinking spot, where she can spend hours just laying down—sometimes with music in her ears—but most times just in silence, watching the sun paint different hours on the ceiling.</p><p> </p><p>That’s what she’s doing for the better part of the evening; thinking.</p><p> </p><p>If anyone asks, she’ll say she did a pretty damn good job at making her brain shut up at times. But there are also times where she <em>indulges</em>.</p><p> </p><p>She picks a moment, or rather, she’s reminded of a moment and her thoughts are loud, fighting their way to the forefront of her mind; reminding her of each and every interaction, each bad angle, what she could’ve done, what she did <em>wrong</em>—</p><p> </p><p>Her phone vibrates between a bare hip and the back of the couch.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>DaWheeinCi [9:43PM]</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Wanna go somewhere? My treat.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t want to go anywhere.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>DaWheeinCi [9:43PM]</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>We can eat in my car. We don’t need to get off.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll let you play the music this time.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>HwaGogh [9:45PM]</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Give me 15.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>When she shuts her door, it’s another quiet night.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>She’s probably exhausted every excuse there is.</p><p> </p><p>Not wanting to do a vlive? The unnies can handle it. Fans probably prefer it, anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Not wanting to go on shows? Whip up a story about having a <em>really</em> bad stomach ache.</p><p> </p><p>Not wanting to be seen in public? Bucket hats and face masks are the way to go.</p><p> </p><p>Of course, the others will catch up soon. People talk, the industry pries, and her managers will soon be nipping at the heels of her feet just to get answers. Hyejin’s already thought of it happening at least a dozen different ways in her mind.</p><p> </p><p>Still, it doesn’t prepare her when Yongsun comes barreling in the recording studio for Hyejin’s solo composition schedule. Hyejin’s just about to leave for the day, already packed up her stuff and the bags under her eyes, stunned in place when the eldest give her a pointed look.</p><p> </p><p>“We need to talk.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is this the intervention?”</p><p> </p><p>Their voices overlapped, Yongsun just sighs as she drops heavily on the couch and Hyejin fiddles with cord of the headphones draped over her neck. She takes it off and wraps the cord neatly back on top of the mixer.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you going to do, Hyejin-ah?”</p><p> </p><p>“Go home,” it comes off  of her tongue as a question, fiddling with the ring Wheein got her, twisting it around her finger easily in a way she wishes she can do the same to twist this conversation in her favor.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun looks at her, not amused. “I’m not here to play games, you know, the faster we can get this sorted the better. I’m also tired, so if you can quit being a kid, I’d appreciate it.”</p><p> </p><p>The words rub off wrong, something constricting inside of Hyejin’s chest because she thought Yongsun would at least <em>understand</em>. She scoffs, the hurt hammering inside her chest and she needs to <em>get out</em>, somewhere where Yongsun isn’t.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein always told her she has this face when she gets hurt, how everything she feels on the inside gets reflected on her face for a split second before she schools it into indignation, into anger; told her it’s her scariest face.</p><p> </p><p>Something in Yongsun’s face shifts, the furrow between her brows already forming an apology, but Hyejin’s already out the door before she can utter a word out.</p><p> </p><p>Wheen also told her this is her thing when she gets hurt by people she trusts.</p><p> </p><p>She runs away.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>(The door doesn’t slam shut, just leaves a gust of Hyejin’s perfume as it closes slowly and Yongsun can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Her phone vibrates against her thigh. It’s their manager.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Something’s happening.)</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Are you aware of this?”</p><p> </p><p>“No—I haven’t been—no, I’m not.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s been building momentum the past few months, apparently. We don’t know if she’s seen some of it but knowing her—”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s why she was mad earlier.”</p><p> </p><p>“Did something—"</p><p> </p><p>“Please tell me you’re going to do something about it.”</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll do our best, okay? Do you best, too. You’re her unnie, Yongsun-ssi. You know her better than we do.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“The number you have dialed is out of coverage area. Please—”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>This is such a mess.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun curses under her breath when a car cuts in front of her, her van skidding momentarily on the wet concrete as she stepped on the brakes too hard, blaring the horn loudly and not caring if the driver’s side windows aren’t tinted enough to hide her face. She considers ringing Wheein but she’s in the middle of a shoot, the only one out of the four of them that wasn’t at the company earlier.</p><p> </p><p>And the sudden hard downpour of the rain isn’t helping at the mood <em>at all.</em></p><p> </p><p>It could be Yongsun’s fault for not noticing earlier; for thinking that since Hyejin puts up such a good front, nothing’s wrong.</p><p> </p><p>It could be her fault for getting her day’s frustration out on Hyejin earlier.</p><p> </p><p>It could be Hyejin’s fault for not saying—</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The last thing she wants is to blame Hyejin.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun almost cries when she turns into Hyejin’s street, parking on the curb and dashing to the door with the key she insists every member should have of each other’s in case of emergencies.</p><p> </p><p>(The only time she had to use Hyejin’s was when she was out on a blind date and got an upset stomach and Hyejin’s place is the nearest.</p><p> </p><p>Good thing Hyejin was out of town with Wheein for their anniversary trip that time.)</p><p> </p><p>If she was cold from her wet clothes, she’s positively chilling when she does another round in Hyejin’s apartment and the younger woman is nowhere to be found.</p><p> </p><p>Panic grips at Yongsun’s chest, raking one hand through her soaked hair and barks out an unexpected laugh when it snags at a knot, remembering Hyejin’s remark this morning about it being their no-wash-hair-day.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Wheetop [7:21 PM]</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Woah. You literally blew up my phone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hyejin? Isn’t she with you guys?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Yongsun’s fingers shake, skin sliding along the screen in a wet attempt.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Ddunnie [7:22 PM]</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Sje left esrly</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Shes uypset</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not at her aoartment</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Do u know where shr coukd be</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Wheetop [7:22 PM]</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m away for ONE day and shit happens</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Try the rooftop</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I need to go, shoot again</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We’re talking when I get back</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It takes her a moment to get up the rooftop, squinting against the dark and the heavy curtains of the rain until she finds a lump of blankets at the other end under a little awning; knows there’s no way Hyejin’s not soaked through at this point.</p><p> </p><p>The only thing visible from the lump of blankets is Hyejin’s eyes and nose poking through near the top, clouds of her breath curling as she looks up at Yongsun through clumped eyelashes.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll grow mushrooms if you stay there.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin snorts out a laugh, the sound loosening a tight grip on Yongsun’s chest; didn’t realize the extent of her worry until they both laugh at the wet sound of the blanket plopping down the floor, agreeing that it’s wise to just leave it there and get rid of it or wash it when it’s not thrice its original weight.</p><p> </p><p>Yongsun keeps a tight grip on Hyejin’s frail wrists, brings a hand up near her mouth to warm up as they go back inside the building. She prepares a hot bath and lets Hyejin go in first, mops off the wet tracks on the floor, and chucks a towel inside the dryer so that it’s warm when she passed it to an outstretched hand from the inside of the bathroom half an hour later.</p><p> </p><p>“I was supposed to ask you about your plans for Wheein’s birthday,” Yongsun starts when they’re both curled up side by side on the couch, waiting for Wheein who promised them hot takeout.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” is all Hyejin says.</p><p> </p><p>But the way she reaches under the blanket to squeeze at Yongsun’s thigh spells out <em>I forgive you</em>.</p><p> </p><p>She drops a kiss against warm skin. “I’m always here, you can count on unnie.”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin hums, then turns on the TV to fill the silence. Her hand never leaves Yongsun’s.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>She steadies her breathing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>In and out. Don’t move your eyes.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She turns until her back faces Wheein, trapping her hands under her head, and the other woman’s leg swings over the dip of her waist instantly. The bed jostles slightly, going like calm waves against the shore of Wheein’s laugh, the hand that’s not holding a phone slaps the side of the bed—<em>must be watching something funny on her phone.</em></p><p> </p><p>Hyejin groans, fakes being asleep, and feels a kiss pressed against the back of her head, the whispered <em>sorry, I’ll be quiet</em> makes the weight on her chest heavier. The bed dips again and Hyejin can see in her mind’s eye as Wheein reaches over the bedside to turn the lights off, the soft beep of earbuds being connected to a phone sounds like a punctuation to their night.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin tries to steady her breathing, tries so hard to shut off any thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>She pinches the nearest patch of skin she can reach.</p><p> </p><p>And then it’s quiet again.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(There’s a large nail mark at the base of her palm the next morning, the red a stark contrast against her skin.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>She doesn’t know what to think of the comfort the dull throbbing brings her as she traces the little red line.)</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>A strong grip pulls at her bicep, Hyejin feels herself being pressed against a cool metal, shutting her eyes when she feels the bad headache stir up the nonexistent contents of her stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“Woah, hey, you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s Byulyi’s voice.</p><p> </p><p>They were on their way to the cafeteria, Byulyi with Yongsun’s purse in hand as their leader vows to treat them all ice cream. Hyejin’s already had a bad headache since she woke and the heatwave paired with the broken air-conditioning of their building isn’t helping either.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” she clenches her teeth, sighing when her head throbs in protest.</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi hums, doesn’t believe her, but loosens her grip on the younger woman’s arm, a palm settling open at Hyejin’s back, instead. Hyejin feels the weight of Byulyi’s stare at the side of her head. “You know, you should wear lighter clothes. I have an extra shirt if you don’t want to wear a long sleeve.”</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t miss the way Hyejin’s breath catches, the stutter of expanding lungs under Byulyi’s hands.</p><p> </p><p>And yet—</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi dismisses it as Hyejin heaving, rubs circles against a shaking back. She leaves Hyejin plastered on the cool side of the elevator, jogging to get the ice creams by herself and going back to find Hyejin right where she left her.</p><p> </p><p>When Byulyi sits in the practice room with her back against the mirrors, the feeling doesn’t disappear from her palms. Hyejin’s so thin she can already feel the subtle bump of her ribs.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin’s ice cream melts at the side, unopened.</p><p> </p><p>She sighs, knows Hyejin long enough to notice that she’s punishing herself again for things that are out of her control; feels a phantom ache of a memory when she was once like that.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin catches her stare and turns away.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Nothing new.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Is it really not her fault?</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin’s lost track of how long it’s been and no matter how much weight she seems to shed, there’s still the—</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fat.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Her nails dig into the skin of her stomach, her hip bones pointed against the skin, scratching and watching as red blooms against her skin. No one will see, anyway.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Leave.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She hears Wheein’s laughter echoing outside the bathroom door, can’t remember the last time the other woman saw her without clothes on.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Later that night, when Wheein presses hot kisses against her shoulder, muttering about how they don’t have to be anywhere in the morning, Hyejin pushes Wheein on her back instead.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>When they’re done, it’s only Wheein’s skin visible as the moon touches Hyejin’s bedroom.)</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>She breathes, ears ringing from when Wheein’s thighs clamped around her ears. The moment passes and it’s quiet again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Her cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.</p><p> </p><p>“Ready?”</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes swept the room, everyone already left for the family restaurant their CEO rented for tonight and the only one left in the dressing room is Byulyi’s manager who was waiting for her to finish up greeting other idols.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, just give me one more sec.”</p><p> </p><p>A faint buzzing reached her ears and she sees a phone under a table. Byulyi snorts when the caller picture is Wheein’s attempt at a sexy pose, biting her lip and the camera tilted down to show her sports bra.</p><p> </p><p>It’s definitely Hyejin’s phone.</p><p> </p><p>The call drops before she can answer, Hyejin’s wallpaper wiping away the smile on her face effectively.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What’re you doing here? Isn’t it your day off?” It’s Yongsun. Byulyi shrugs, waving her phone and the eldest just utters a soft <em>ah</em>, and gives her a smile as she pulls the door open for the both of them.</p><p> </p><p>“Where’s Hyejin?” is the first thing Byulyi asks when she sits down beside Wheein hunched at a corner, poking a stuffed cheek with a finger and grinning when Yongsun chides her for trying to answer with her mouth full.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s not hungry,” is what Wheein says a beat after making a show of swallowing her food down with a mouthful of water. “She’s in the next room, I think.”</p><p> </p><p>Her phone chimes with a message and she drops a kiss to both women. She peeks inside the other room, Hyejin’s inside and a soft R&amp;B tune blooming from the speakers.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Good.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Unknown Contact [8:12 AM]</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m back at the house</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’ll be ready by the time you arrive</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Wait!” Hyejin shouts, hair snagging under the shirt she just pulled over her head, the incessant ringing of her doorbell a dead giveaway that it’s Byulyi outside her door. There’s a couple of expletives sitting right at the end of her tongue but Hyejin stops when she sees Byulyi coupled with a <em>heavenly</em> scent. “What the hell?”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi pushes inside with two large bags, heading straight to the dining room and points at a chair. “Sit.”</p><p> </p><p>Ice-cold panic stutters at Hyejin’s chest because <em>no. No no no no—</em></p><p> </p><p>“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” a general shape of Byulyi is in front of her and Hyejin realizes that she’s now crumpled on the floor, tears running against her hot cheeks. She’s ashamed. Byulyi caught on. “, sit down for a bit, I’ll explain when you’re feeling better, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>It takes a while for her to calm down with Byulyi hiding a large portion of the food she’s brought into Hyejin’s fridge. It looks so empty watching another person fill it up. How long has it been since she last ate properly?</p><p> </p><p>There’s a single plate with a small portion of what she’s sure is her mom’s own cooking and Byulyi sitting beside her when everything settles down.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to,” Byulyi whispers, fiddling with the brim of her cap. “, you always have a choice, Hyejin-ah. It’s not always going to be about other people.”</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes Hyejin forgets that in a way, they’re on the same boat. She picks up the chopsticks.</p><p> </p><p>“You went to Jeonju?”</p><p> </p><p>Byulyi bumps their shoulders. “I know you miss your mom’s cooking.” She doesn’t sit and watch as Hyejin takes a mouthful, pushing her chair to fetch the younger woman a glass of water. “She made you enough to last a week, at most, if Wheein doesn’t eat all of them.”</p><p> </p><p>She asked for seconds an hour later, Byulyi patting the top of her head and muttering a <em>don’t push yourself</em> but goes to do what Hyejin asked anyway. When Byulyi offered to do the dishes, Hyejin wraps an arm around a waist and thinks about <em>yeah, they’re in the same boat</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“I have a choice,” Hyejin repeats, doesn’t take her eyes off of the stray bubble on Byulyi’s wrist.</p><p> </p><p>“We all do.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Of course, it’s bound to happen.</p><p> </p><p>For every high, there’s a low, after all.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Sure, I’ll clean up,” Wheein watches as Hyejin ducks into the bedroom, eyes definitely noticing how Hyejin finally put on a little bit of weight again.</p><p> </p><p>She’s not an idiot and both the unnies voiced their concerns on more than two separate occasions. Hyejin just doesn’t know that Wheein’s already caught up.</p><p> </p><p>If there’s one thing she knows about Hyejin when it comes to stuff like this, it’s that she’s always too ashamed to admit it; always trying to solve it on her own and always pushing others out for wanting to help. Wheein’s honestly both surprised and proud of the other woman for letting both Yongsun and Byulyi in.</p><p> </p><p>But Wheein won’t pry.</p><p> </p><p>Even if it kills her inside to know that Hyejin doesn’t want to share this particular part of her life just yet, she won’t push for more.</p><p> </p><p>So, Wheein waits.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>These days it feels a lot like going through the motions.</p><p> </p><p>Smile so Yongsun won’t hover; eat so Byulyi doesn’t corner her again.</p><p> </p><p><em>I have a choice</em>.</p><p> </p><p>But Hyejin can’t help but feel like it’s a lot like how it started. She’s just pleasing the other side of the court now.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing new.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Wheein-ah?”</p><p> </p><p>She almost laughs when Hyejin pokes at her side, thankful that her face is buried on a pillow so she bites at her lip instead, determined on not to squirm away and move. Waits for the few extra second for Hyejin to think she’s asleep, frowning at the unmistakable sound of Hyejin’s long nails tapping at her phone screen, seeking comments about herself.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t happen.</p><p> </p><p>The bed dips under Hyejin’s weight and Wheein opens an eye halfway to see her girlfriend pacing at the foot of the bed, breathing deeply before it catches and a sob forces its way out.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein’s suddenly on high alert, straining her ears for the sound of Hyejin’s feet on the carpet, not wanting to let the other woman know that she’s awake.</p><p> </p><p>“Please.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s so soft, almost lost in the silence of Hyejin’s bedroom but Wheein catches it, brows furrowing when Hyejin mutters a plea over and over again.</p><p> </p><p>A door closes.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein rips the blankets off of her so fast, catching the sound of the bathroom door’s lock catching. She checks under the door and <em>no,</em> <em>she didn’t turn any lights on</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It’s awfully quiet, Wheein’s heart hammering in her chest. Maybe she’s overreacting? Maybe she’s just being too paranoid. Yongsun told her that Hyejin’s doing better than the past few months and what if Hyejin just really needed to go to the bathroom?</p><p> </p><p>A dull thud coming from inside the bathroom erases all thoughts and Wheein’s knocking on the door, tries her best not to panic when all she can hear are faint sobs.</p><p> </p><p>“Hyejin? Open the door for me, please?”</p><p> </p><p>Someone’s screaming.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not Wheein.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It hurts.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin doesn’t know which is louder, the pounding of her heart or Wheein’s knocks on the door.</p><p> </p><p>She cracks a smile, imagining Wheein’s tiny fists getting red. But did she really need to imagine the red when it’s all over herself?</p><p> </p><p>It hurts.</p><p> </p><p>She screams.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s quiet.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin wishes Wheein will say something—get mad, scream at her, demand answers, ask why <em>why why why—</em></p><p> </p><p>But Wheein’s just sitting beside the bed, holding onto Hyejin’s hand—not too tightly, no, Wheein’s not like that—and looking at Hyejin with nothing but love and tiredness in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Ask me why,” she croaks out, boneless and soft against the crisp white sheets.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein just shakes her head and presses a kiss at the back of her hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Rest now.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Wheein can always see it in her mind.</p><p> </p><p>When Hyejin got out of the hospital gown a week later, she can imagine the deep lines just on top of her waistband. When Hyejin got in the car, fiddling with the radio on a stop light, Wheein can see thighs saturated in blood red instead of the reflected light.</p><p> </p><p>She always sees it, haunts her, and it’s times like those that she reaches over Hyejin, passes a fingertip against a warm cheek or tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, just to feel the other woman under her and make sure that she’s <em>alive </em>and <em>here</em>.</p><p> </p><p>The red on a stoplight now makes her flinch. The sound of a siren in the city taking her back to that night. The ramps on the sidewalks a clear vision of when Hyejin would spend the first few days in the hospital in a wheelchair to avoid pulling at the deep stitches on her stomach and thighs.</p><p> </p><p>But this isn’t about her.</p><p> </p><p>The light turns green and Wheein eases the car back into motion. Hyejin hums a song under her breath and everything’s fine.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>He’s not good at his job</em>, is the only thing running in Hyejin’s mind during the whole hour of her therapy. She can’t count how many times he pried for information so hard that she basically had a panic attack halfway through.</p><p> </p><p>“Where is he?” Wheein’s livid, clenching her teeth so hard that Hyejin’s worried she’ll bite through them.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, honestly.” She doesn’t know why she’s defending him but they’re also still in a very public hallway and it’s only a matter of time before people start recognizing them. Hyejin can already imagine the tabloid headlines.</p><p> </p><p>“Your eyes are puffy and I can see tear tracks, Hyejin. It means you went out as soon as you can—<em>meaning</em> he made you uncomfortable.”</p><p> </p><p>Still, Wheein goes when Hyejin pulls her to the women’s restroom. As if on instinct, Wheein wraps her arms around Hyejin, mouth pressed against a shoulder as she releases a breath. Hyejin laughs as Wheein tries to blow a raspberry but doesn’t quiet work because of her shirt.</p><p> </p><p>“Move, you baby, I want to wash my face.”</p><p> </p><p>Wheein goes, handing Hyejin a handkerchief and a compact powder.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”</p><p> </p><p>She shrugs. “Can’t have sunshine without a little rain?”</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin smiles at Wheein through the mirror, rolling her eyes when Wheein splashes a tiny bit of water at the top of her head.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s your little rain,” Wheein sticks out her tongue. “, should be all sunshine from now on.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>There are still off days—days where she won’t move from the bed or feel like even a mouthful of water will make her bloated.</p><p> </p><p>But that’s okay.</p><p> </p><p>Getting better isn’t a linear thing and she’s grown to ask the question: <em>what would Hyejin want?</em></p><p> </p><p>It’s getting better.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>They mostly stay at Wheein’s place now, since Ggomo got kicked out because of Hyejin’s allergies and is now with Wheein’s mom in Jeonju.</p><p> </p><p>Hyejin wonders when the other shoe will drop.</p><p> </p><p>Wheein asks her about her day but doesn’t hover over her back like she’s waiting for Hyejin to make a bad move. She makes meals for two even when Hyejin doesn’t eat most days, just shrugs and says <em>just in case you get hungry</em>. Always leaves Hyejin’s scar cream by the sink with an arrow drawn on a steam-covered mirror, an <em>I love you</em> scrawled at the center.</p><p> </p><p>The other woman is so painfully patient and <em>perfect</em> that Hyejin actually cried about it one night.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so silly,” is all Wheein says, but the way her lips tremble and her shoulders sag in relief makes Hyejin realize that there is no other shoe to drop.</p><p> </p><p>No matter what happens, this woman will always be with her.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>end.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>::</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>lol im tipsy as I write the last 2k words so I apologize</p><p>will proofread (no I wont) tomorrow morning when im sober</p><p>I just wanted to post it as soon as I can</p><p>also, fun fact: my first therapist was shit and didn’t help <em>at all</em></p><p>also, a lot of it came from personal experience lol</p><p>plsplspls talk to someone if ur going through something</p><p>u’ll be surprised at how many ppl are willing to listen and help (:</p><p>follow me on twitter, I try to be active there lol</p><p>ok, i need to sleep now</p><p>thankyou and hope u have a good one!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
<strong>follow the link/s on my<a href="https://twitter.com/rexwrites/status/1341058168483315712?s=20"> twitter </a>for updates and if you want to be my friend! :D </strong>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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